PyRoAj

i miss a lot of certain people
they made my life worth living

Humans are interesting creatures. I find the species to be redundant and useless. Why there is so much fuss over this world and its inhabitants rattles me. There are many other worlds that we could be focusing on yet we focus on this one. Once this race expires we will move on to another. Why not move on now. Draw the army out and start fresh. I do not want to be on this battlefield for the rest of my existence. I want to fight somewhere else.

I'm always confused about what I want in life. I guess I'm just going to lay everything out and how I see everything.

My current job isn't supporting my habits. I love where I work. I love the kids. I love childcare. I would never leave my job. I'm just not earning enough and I'm still a casual. And I don't want to apply for another job. Trying to relearn the names of an entire centre of children plus new routines is just too much for me.
I'm not going well with my studies. I did me resit and missed by 3 marks so now I have to take the whole unit again and pay for the unit. With money I don't have. I can hardly top up my car. I mean when I go out into the city I try not to eat food so I don't spend my money.

Then there's eating. I have anorexia nervosa. I have an appetite but I just refuse to eat. I hate the way I look. I look at my self differently than anyone else does. I see myself differently. Lately I've been binging on so much food and it disgusts me.
Now we change directions. My friends have always been the world to me. I never had friends until I was in grade 8. I was always alone. So I'm still trying to work out my social skills. Now, I see my high school friends still hanging out with each other. But I'm used to it. I was never invited out to things with them in the first place so why should it bother me now. I guess it does. A few still actually talk to me, and I will love them forever since they want to have me in their lives. But now I have new people in my life. I feel like I annoy all of them and that none of them like me anymore. I mean believe it or not I'm really shy, so it's actually really hard for me to start conversations with people. I fear that my friendships with Keeny, Lauren, Frankie, Seab and all of my dear friends wont last because I feel like I'm not important to the group and I don't know what to do. I love them so much and I want them to be in my life forever.

I've sat down, and thought. With being poly romantic. I mean most of my teen life I've been I guess rather asexual. I've had no desire for sex. But, in recent months, I want to. I want someone to hold me and gently take me, and then after a few times, absolutely dominate me. I am a complete sub. I don't dominate often. Even though I'm pansexual, I still do have my attractions and preferences when it comes to partners.  I want to be in a master/pet relationship. With the guy I like, I don't know how he feels about me, or how he feels about those type of relationships. He's the only thing keeping me going right now. I only talk to 2 of my exs. All my other past loves set me off and I become ill or violent around them.
People say I don't need a relationship to be happy. But I'm different. I've been alone in my life for far too long.
Yeah I complain a lot. But at least I'm actually admitting to what's wrong with me. Would one rather me complain and get it out in the open for people to understand, or to remain quite and end up doing something bad.
I'm different. When I say that, only a handful of people would understand what I mean by "different" And I cannot say for safety reasons. There's a reason why I fail to die each attempt. I'm special. And I can train to be stronger. I have my mentors, Vaughn and Jazz to help me.

Life is a big bundle of fuck.
I want to kick it in the face.
I hate myself.

fucking kill me

musk-parfait and I are gonna to some lets play stuff and cry cus we are sleep deprived

ahhhh the scalene triangle